I regularly find myself in social settings with people I don’t know. My 3 kids are in a new class at school every year with new kids whose parents I don’t know. My kids are on new teams every few months with new teammates whose parents I don’t know. Every week at church I see people I have yet to meet.
I’ve noticed that if I just sit back and wait, about 80% of the people around me will also just sit there and say nothing.
I’m just guestimating that number. And maybe as a dude with a bald head and 3 inch goatee, people are less inclined to approach me than if I was say a beautiful 25 year old single woman. But most people simply do not initiate conversations with people they don’t know.
In the past, I had a tendency to make judgments about people. Not intentionally, but thoughts would creep into my head… “That person doesn’t seem very nice.” “That person is rather anti-social.” I had come to the conclusion that 3 of my neighbors were essentially hermits.
But then I noticed something…
After my knee surgery, when I started doing regular bike rides through a local park, I decided I would say hi to everyone I passed. And you know what? About 80% of people waved or said hi back.
When I went around inviting my neighbors to the block party we had Saturday, I found my 3 “hermit” neighbors were actually quite nice and engaging. All 3 thanked me for inviting them and said they would come to the party (though 2 of them didn’t show).
Even though I am introverted, I’ve been taking the initiative to introduce myself to the parents of my kids’ classmates and teammates. Just about everyone responds positively.
Instead of sitting back and thinking that 80% of people are anti-social, here’s my theory…
- 20% of people are initiators. If you sit back and do nothing, they will come up to you and engage with you.
- 20% of people are anti-social. Even if you initiate the conversation, it quickly becomes clear that they want you to shut up and go away.
- 60% of people are responders. They treat you the way you treat them. If you ignore them, they will ignore you. If they cut you off in traffic and you give them a hand gesture, they will give you a gesture back. But if you introduce yourself to them, are friendly and take a genuine interest in them, they will respond likewise.
Again, I’m just guestimating numbers, but that’s my theory.
Combine the 20% of initiators and the 60% of responders, and 80% of the people who you take the initiative with will respond positively.
With numbers like that, why be a responder and awkwardly sit and wait around with responders for someone to go first?
I’m choosing to be an initiator no matter what setting I’m in.
It IS a choice, you know.
How about you? Do you find yourself awkwardly sitting around waiting to see if others will take the initiative or will you choose to be an initiator?
Great post – so true.
I am a fellow introvert who has tried the same experiment with similar results. I think the key is the change of perspective where we stop thinking of others as hermits or standoffish and go out with the understanding that the 60% mentioned in your post are the majority. Thus my odds are great at succeeding if I take the initiative.
Cool! Glad to hear you’ve seen similar results and have also decided to take the initiative!