Last month, my wife, Jennifer, and I had the opportunity to spend a week together without kids in Savannah, Charleston, and the North Carolina Outer Banks. While driving along the Outer Banks one day, we passed through the town of Rodanthe and saw the house that was featured in the 2008 movie Nights in Rodanthe, staring Richard Gere and Diane Lane.
Neither of us had seen the movie, so a couple of days ago we rented it.
If you’re a romantic, you’ll probably hate the ending, as you probably do of all Nicholas Sparks stories. But it’s good story about love and personal transformation.
There’s a touching scene at the end of the movie when Diane Lane’s character, Adrienne, is tenderly talking with her teenage daughter, Amanda, and she says:
“There’s another kind of love, Amanda. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it.”
Wow!
You know, I think she’s right.
Chances are there are some people in your life that you love but feel like you have to be a certain way with them to really be accepted. So, you conform to their expectations. Maybe it’s the expectations of a friend, or your parents, or your significant other. But the end result is by conforming you’ve become less than you were meant to be.
Sometimes those expectation are not even real. Sometimes they’re assumptions. Sometimes we conform to who we think we ought to be. Usually it’s out of fear. Fear that we’ll disappoint someone. That they’ll leave. Maybe we’ve made assumptions about God’s expectations for us.
Or maybe you’re the one placing the expectations on others, trying to control who they are. Maybe you get upset with your friends, your spouse, your kids when who they are or what they do messes with how you envisioned your live.
Are you forcing your kids towards the career, interests and personality you want them to have because you think that’s best for them? Or do you love them enough to make them feel like anything is possible?
Do you love your wife as long as she cares for the kids and supports your career? Or does your love enable her to pursue her God-given dreams as well?
Is there someone close to you for whom you’re always conforming or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around them? Maybe it’s time for a conversation.
Do the people you love have the courage to be better than they are? Do they feel like anything is possible? If not, maybe you need to do some soul searching. Maybe you need to let go of some fear and control. Maybe you need to release them and really love them.
There is another kind of love. I want you to hold out for it. From others and from yourself.
I seen the movie yes very touching….another kind of love…hmmm ya i experienced that too…but i only wish (sad to say) my ending would have been like the movie it may be easier to deal with….thanks for sharing…
I have not seen this movie, but now I am curious. May just have to check it out. This said, though, I did want to comment on this blog entry. First, thank you for it. I think it rings true in so many ways. I think many people (myself included) do this on some level, even subconciously. This has definitely made me think – and ponder on where in my own life that I do this. I know that with my kids, I am that mom who encourages their dreams…key word being their. I do not try and impose my wishes on them, as that just would not work out. Now, they’re all still fairly small – but I believe in encouraging individuality, and embracing the life God has for them. Hopefully that will be be their goal as well. Sorry, didn’t mean to go on and on. This is just a very thought-provoking topic. Thanks!
That’s great, Laura. I think a lot of parents struggle with feeling like they will be judged by others based on the way their kids behave and what they achieve. We have to constantly ask ourselves whether the actions we take are motivated by what’s best for our kids or what will make us feel good about ourselves or not embarrass us.
Another great and challenging post Paul. I saw this movie too, I happen to be a big Nicholas Sparks fan. Its tough because my first thoughts are immediately to how I conform for others so they will like/love and accept me and, in the case of my spouse, not leave me. I am deeply insecure and I know that this runs straight into how I feel about God and expecting Him to bail on me too when I don’t deliver. This is pretty ingrained. I must state now that my parents are still together (60 years next year!) and are happy so its not that.
I guess I’m not immune to controlling people either. I’m not sure whom I do it to but its bound to be there because I’m human and we all do this to some greater or lesser extent. I so want the “better love, the better way”. It would be fantastic to wake up and not control people with my reactions. To wake up and not fear being left because someone’s mood has changed and I fear the worst automatically.
Great post and a real thinker. I will ask God about this.
BunnyB1802, thanks for your honest comment. I think you’re right that both conforming and controlling are rooted in insecurity and fear. The good thing is that even if we struggle with fear and insecurity, they can be overcome. Ultimately love is a choice. We can choose to be who we really are, and we can choose to encourage others to be more than they ever thought possible.