Today we’re discussing Chapter 12 in the Flickering Pixels group blog project.
The points that stood out most to me in this chapter was that our individualism has led to the high rate of failure of intentional communities and marriages. And that we need to develop better habits of interpersonal conflict.
Think about how quick people are to quit their job, end a friendship, leave a church, or get divorced. People dump their “communities” all the time, sometimes over minor personality issues or differences in opinions. It’s partially because we have so many options today. Don’t like your church, your friend, your job, your spouse? You can just get a new one, right?
Fear of Conflict
Because it’s so easy for people in our communities to dump us, we’re afraid of conflict. We’re afraid to disagree. We’re afraid we might hurt someones feelings. So, we don’t tell people what we really think. We don’t criticize a bad idea. We don’t say anything to the friend who is about to do something that may ruin his life.
We don’t use the pattern for conflict resolution described by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 Regardless of whether you’re a Christian or not, Matthew 18 is just a common sense, 3 step approach to resolving conflicts. If you’re upset with someone or you think they’re upset with you:
- Go talk to them one on one. Don’t ignore it. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Don’t tell everyone else about it (gossip). If that doesn’t resolve it.
- Go talk to them with one or two other people, people who are neutral, who you both know and respect.
- Bring in the authorities. If it’s a conflict at work, talk to your boss. In a community organization, talk to the leaders of that organization.
No Need to Fear
I personally feel convicted about this stuff. Not so much about following the 3 steps above, because I do that pretty regularly, but to speak my mind more freely, to be open and honest at the risk of conflict.
I can just imagine… if you’re reading this and you’re someone who I interact with on a regular basis – family, co-workers, friends – you’re probably saying, “Note to self, from now on when I see Paul, keep my head down. No eye contact.”
Not to worry. This is not a license to insult people or have a “let the chips fall where they may” attitude.
If I’m going to risk conflict, I have to also be asking people regularly, “Hey, are we cool? Or do we need to talk?”
[image by Steve Wampler]