My kids have this natural ability to whine and complain. It must be a gift because they’re so good at it and I haven’t given them one lesson on it. (Or perhaps it’s in their genes, since I seem to exhibit the same ability and don’t recall being taught how to do it either)

Give them one cookie and they whine when I say no to a second. Let them play a video game for a half hour and they complain when it’s time to turn it off. As them to clean up their rooms, do their homework, or eat some vegetables and sometimes you’d think I’d asked them to carry 50 pounds of manure up a 10 mile hill.

When that happens, I often do a quick little exercise with them. I say:

Name 5 things you’re thankful for.

I did this so many times it started to become cliche in our house and my children started whining about the exercise. So, I started to mix it up for fun… Tell me 4 things you’re thankful for that are red. Tell me 6 things you’re thankful for that are sticky. It can be pretty silly at times.  Or it can be more serious… Tell me 3 things you’re thankful for that aren’t things.  Tell me 5 people outside our family you’re thankful for.

The point is that it takes their focus away from what they don’t have and reminds them they have much to be thankful for.

And guess what…

It works for adults too.

The next time you feel like whining about traffic, your job, your struggles, what someone else has that you don’t… name 5 things you are thankful for.

When have you seen gratitude turn around your children’s attitude?  Or your own?

Watch this insightful video in which Tony Dungy explains what makes quarterbacks like Peyton Manning great.

Whether it’s sports, work, parenting, family or any other area of life, it never feels good to be reacting all the time. It’s stressful.  It’s frustrating.  You feel like you’re always behind.

Did you catch Tony’s solution?  How we can move from reacting to anticipating?  It takes preparation and practice.  This is true in all areas of life – work, parenting, family and everything else.  The more you learn, the more you prepare, the more you practice and the more experience you gain the more the “game slows down” and you’re able to anticipate what’s going to happen before it does.

Discussion

1. Can you think of a time in your life when you were prepared enough to anticipate what was going to happen next? What was that like?
2.  Is there an area of your life right now in which you’re living in “reaction mode?” What do you need to do – learn, practice, prepare – so you can move beyond reacting to anticipating?

My 3 children are in elementary school, but they’re already being faced with peer pressure to do things that go against the values my wife and I are trying to instill in them. As they get older this pressure will only intensify.

Each time my kids have to choose between our values and their peers, the choice comes down to a matter of identity. Do they see themselves as a valued part of our family? Or do they want to fit in with a group of other kids so badly that they’ll choose to follow the crowd?

There are many great things parents can do to strengthen family bonds – family game night, making time to talk, scheduling one-on-one time with each child, to name a few. But creating a family identity goes beyond that.

This past Saturday, our family hosted our 14th annual Oktoberfest. We have 70-100 friends and family over for German food, music, games, and yes, beer. It’s a big deal for our family. We spend several weeks getting the house in order, fixing up the landscaping, decorating, and preparing food. As our kids have gotten older, they’ve been able to help more and more each year with the preparations.

Jim Burns of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family writes

A strong family identity also helps children develop a strong and healthy self-identity. Knowing what makes their family unique — traditions, values, and ways of relating to one another — gives children a clear starting point for discovering their own place in the world. Studies even show that kids who identify with their family’s values tend to be less promiscuous and face less risk of drug and alcohol abuse.

You don’t have to dress your family up in silly outfits every year to create a unique family identity. But it usually takes some intentionality and a willingness to create some routine.

Here are 8 ideas that can help you create a stronger family identity.

1. Find a restaurant everyone in your family likes and eat there regularly. (We are Chilis fans)
2. Find an activity everyone in your family likes to do and do that regularly. (Currently, it’s geocaching for us)
3. Create holiday traditions.
4. Vacation in the same place on a regular basis.
5. After memorable family events like vacations, create scrapbooks. Scrap booking together as a family could even become one of your family traditions.
6. Create a family quote book where you write down funny things family members say.
7. Create a family flag together. They do that every season on the TV show Survivor to build tribe unity. Why not do the same thing to create family unity?
8. Schedule a regular family devotional time where you pray and read the bible together as a family.

What are you doing or want to start doing to create a stronger identity for your family?

If you are a parent and your faith is important to you, then passing along your faith to your children is one of your highest priorities, perhaps THE highest priority. If that’s the case, then you’re probably familiar with the crazy-high percentage of teens who abandon their faith after high school, some research say more than 90%.

I recently read Brandon O’Brien’s review of the book Sticky Faith by Dr Kara Powell and Dr. Chap Clark. As the subtitle states, the book is about “Everyday ideas to build lasting faith in your kids.” I haven’t read the book yet, but in his review, Brandon writes his own observations as an Intro to World Religions instructor:

The students whose parents prioritized religious services but didn’t practice religion at home were likely to consider themselves “unreligious” today. Students whose parents emphasized both religious services and devotion at home–even if those practices became less important as the kids got older and schedules busier–were more likely to identify as not practicing but hoping to be more devoted in the future. Students seemed very turned off to religion if their parents are defensive or intimidated about their spiritual questions.

Looking at the students who turn away from their parents faith, I see 3 groups:

1. Students whose parents prioritized religious services but didn’t live out their faith
2. Students whose parents were defensive or intimidated by spiritual questions
3. And my own observation, students whose parents were so adamant about following their religious beliefs perfectly that they seemed to never fail or struggle with anything. (Often when these students get out on their own and are ill-equipped to deal with temptation, struggles and failure)

All 3 of these groups of students have one thing in common: parents that lack an authentic faith. Their parents may have acted religious once a week or perhaps even to near perfection in front of their children, but they were not genuine with their kids about what they really believed, what they really thought, or how they really lived.

On the other hand, those students whose parents lived an authentic faith tend to adopt their parents faith, or at least view it positively enough to want to return to it. Personally, I was blessed to have 2 parents who lived their faith, were open to discussing spiritual questions, and did not put on a false front of perfection. And after putting it to the test each in our own ways, I and my two brothers all followed after my parents faith in Christ.

How about you? What was your spiritual upbringing? Can you identify with any of the groups of students above? How did that affect your faith?

Tomorrow, I’m going to follow this post with 5 Keys to Living an Authentic Faith with Your Children

The real estate market is in turmoil. U.S. Treasuries have been downgraded. And yesterday the stock market dropped more than 5%.

So, where’s the best place to invest for retirement?

Your children.

Think about it…

Most retirement planning starts with the assumption that we need to save enough money by the time we retire, so that we can live completely on our own and pay people to do all the things we no longer can or want to do for ourselves.

I’d rather invest in my children so that by the time I retire, they are well educated, have good character, have the determination to succeed in their career, and have great families of their own. Most of all, I want my relationship with each of them to be so good that they love me, want to spend time with me, and will help me when I need it without considering it a burden.

I’m not saying it’s bad to save and invest for retirement, but “independent living” is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Yesterday we here in the U.S. celebrated the 4th of July, Independence Day. We Americans love freedom!

Most Americans will tell you we’re the freest country in the world. In many respects we are. We enjoy broad freedoms of speech and expression. We have the freedom to follow whatever religious beliefs we choose. For the most part we have the freedom to live wherever we want, associate with whoever we want, and pursue whatever sort of work we want.

While we’re free from most external constraints, millions and millions of us are abusing our freedom and losing it. We’re creating our own personal prisons with invisible bars.

1. Personal debt – Abusing our freedom to spend & borrow.
2. Unfulfilling jobs - Locked in because of fear and debt.
3. Addictions – Abusing free access to alcohol, prescription drugs, pornography.
4. Poor heath – Self-inflicted through obesity, smoking, STDs.
5. Over-commitment – Misusing freedom to control our own schedules.
6. Guilt – Living in the past, bound by regrets and “what ifs”
7. Loneliness – Using our freedom to abandon relationships and community rather than work through issues and problems.

Underlying all of these are the dynamic duo of personal imprisonment:

8 ) Pride – The belief that we can handle all of these things on our own or that we can’t possibly know that we’re struggling with one of these things.

9) Fear – The belief that the devil we’re living with is better than taking a step into the unknown to escape it.

Personal and Societal Problems

What’s sad is that these problems are mostly self-inflicted. And while we might refer to them as “personal problems,” when they reach epidemic proportions as they have in our culture, they affect everyone.

For those of us who recognize that these are societal problems that affect everyone, there’s often a strong desire to fix the problem. We try to legislate and reduce the freedom that’s being abused. Or we condemn and ostracize those whose self-inflicted problems become public.

We are quick to point out the speck in our brother’s eye, while ignoring the log in our own. I say if we’re really concerned about these self-inflicted problems coming from abuses of freedom, let’s start from the inside out.

• Me - Take personal inventory. Where have I been abusing my freedom and hurting myself. Where do I need to get some outside help?
• My family – Am I encouraging and supporting my spouse to live responsibly? Am I raising my children to understand the responsibilities that come with freedom?
• My friends & extended family – Who do I love and genuinely want to see make the most of their life? Who have I earned the right to speak frankly too.

These are huge issues that we can’t afford to take lightly. Let’s reduce the emphasis on trying to change and regulate other people and instead focus on living the best life we possibly can. And let’s not do it out of fear of the negative, but rather because each of us matters. Each of us was created for a unique purpose.

You are too important to get caught up in and stay stuck in any of that junk!

[image by move-at-light-speed]

I’ve created a new Facebook page for Live Intentionally. Why?

1) It’s a place where Facebook users can connect with me and other Live Intentionally users to encourage and challenge one another to make the most of our lives.

2) One of the ways I’m intentional about staying connected with family and close friends is by limiting friend requests on Facebook to family and close friends. I connect with almost 30,000 people through Twitter, but I only have about 200 friends on Facebook. The Live Intentionally FB page enables me to connect with more people through Facebook without sacrificing the closeness I’ve established with people through my Facebook profile.

3) It’s a way for Facebook users to essentially “subscribe” to Live Intentionally and not miss any blog posts. If you don’t use an RSS reader but do use Facebook, instead of trying to remember to check LiveIntentionally.org regularly for new blog posts, just “like” the Live Intentionally Facebook page.

Have you “liked” the new Live Intentionally Facebook page? If so, give me and other LI readers a shoutout.

If you blog, write, sing or do any other creative work, have you created a Facebook page for people to connect with you? Do you find value in having a FB page separate from and in addition to your personal FB profile?

Happy Father’s Day to all of you who are dads! And big props to those who have stepped in to become a father to the fatherless through adoption, becoming a foster parent, or taking in a grandchild!

Being a dad is a huge responsibility but also a huge opportunity as dads get to lead and shape their children to have the character and skills to not only make a good life for themselves but to make the world a better place.

Yesterday I asked people through Twitter for their favorite quotes and advice for and about fatherhood.  I received a lot of great responses, some of them wise, some of them funny.

Quotes for Fathers

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. @mizweatherby

Yes dear….I’m sorry… @youthguy07

The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. -Theodore M. Hesburgh @shawneeinva

Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad. -Anne Geddes @lauriespops

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. -Charles Wadsworth @lauriespops

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. -Jim Valvano @lauriespops

The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.” -Confucius @lauriespops

You’re not really a parent if you have 1 child. If the lamp is broke, you know who did it! -Bill Cosby @bree_notinit

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father! -Lydia M. Child

Advice for Dads

Spend quality time with your children while you can. They grow up way too fast. @lkdukes

Pray with your children. @randysrules

Be better men, nurture and protect, empower boys to be better men and stand up against women and child abuse. @ps43gp2009

To keep up the good work.To let everyone know who the Daddy is. @pontefrak

B the man in ur daughters life that God intended u to b. U become Wut she looks for or runs from @inneractivefit

Make the world a better place today for the children of tomorrow. @sandiego2015

get a mobile gaming device for those solitary bathroom trips! @mdurwin

Spend as much time with your children as you possibly can, and listen to them with passion. @pimike

Spend quality time with ur children. Quality time to a child = u love me, I’m special. @lauriespops

If u actually fathered a child, BE A DADDY!! @estangulu

Stay in the game; never give up on your kids or your wife. My youngest just graduated HS. It has all been so worth it. @dwentworth23

What advice do you have for dads?

Since I don’t blog on the weekends, I want to give an early shout out to all the dads out there. Being a parent is the most important job in the world and the most difficult. It requires a lot of time, energy and self-sacrifice. So, props to all you dads who are engaged in your kids’ lives, who live intentionally to help your children develop into adults who have good character and will make the world a better place.

This video is for you:

Share this video with the dads in your life and give them something to laugh about.

What advice do you have for the dads reading this who want to live intentionally?

Today is kind of a big milestone for me – the big four-oh.

In recent years I have not given my birthdays a second thought. There’s not much difference between being 37 or 38, 38 or 39. But the difference between 39 and 40… seems like a chasm to me.

I think of people in their 30s as young, energetic, up-and-comers. I think of people in their 40s as established, proven veterans.

To be honest, I don’t much feel like an established, proven, veteran. And now I’m no longer a young up-and-comer either. So where does that leave me?

It leaves me asking questions like, “What have I really accomplished in my 40 years?” and “Do I really matter?” If I were to leave Cypress Meadows Community Church or Safety Harbor, FL would anyone notice? If I quit OurChurch.Com would it really matter to anyone except those who get a paycheck? If I shut down LiveIntentionally.org or stopped tweeting would anyone care?

If that sounds depressing or makes you feel a little uncomfortable, well, I don’t apologize for that. I’m just keeping it real, OK? These are legit questions and I’m guessing I’m not the only one who has hit a milestone like this and asked questions like these.

I’ve been thinking and praying through these things this morning and here are 7 things that have come of that.

1) Focus on the truth. Our feelings and emotions often lie to us. Don’t live there. Live in the truth. The truth is…

2) My value comes from God. My value as a person doesn’t come from how much I’ve accomplished or how important others think I am or I perceive myself to be. I am a person created in the image of God. For that reason alone I matter.

3) God, my wife, and my children are my top priorities. If I’ve been faithful and loving to them, that’s something pretty important. Whatever else God enables me to do with friends, work, church, blogging, social media, etc is icing on the cake.

4) Comparing myself to others is self-destructive. When I ask myself, “What have I accomplished in my 40 years?” what I’m really thinking is, “What have I done compared to other people my age?” The business, blogging, and social media worlds are filled with metrics just begging for comparisons.

But when I compare myself to others, there are only two possible outcomes, and both of them are bad. Either I think I’m better than other people, which is arrogant, prideful and self-righteous. Or I think I’m worse than other people, which is an offense to God who created me as I am and undermines my ability to live up to my potential. My life is going to be unlike anyone else’s. And my goal in life isn’t to do what seems important to myself or others but simply to do what God has called me (and not anyone else) to do.

5) I can’t change the past, but I can impact the future. I can’t help but feel if I had been bolder in my leadership, in my conversations with friends, in my love towards others that I could have accomplished more in my first 40 years. That is undoubtably true. None of us makes the right call every time. No one makes the most of every situation. But regrets get you nowhere. All I can do is decide how I’m going to live from this point forward.

6) I’ve been amazingly blessed over the last 40 years. I have a wonderful wife, and 3 beautiful children. I have wonderful relationships with my parents, brothers, and extended family. God has protected me and kept me healthy. I’ve never been for want of food, shelter or clothing. God’s given me the opportunity to have a small part in the life (and spiritual) transformation of a number of people. I’ve enjoyed using my gifts and talents to serve others through OurChurch.Com for more than 14 years.

7) Best of all… I get to do each day of life with my Father, the creator of the universe. Through Jesus, I’ve been forgiven of all my dumb mistakes and selfish choices. My eternity is secure. I have peace that comes from knowing God works all things for the good of those who love and obey him. I have confidence in his guidance and provision each day. For that reason alone, I look forward to each day I’m blessed with in the future, and you can too.

Have you hit any milestones recently? What thoughts have come out of your reflections on them?